It says something about the legal profession that it only becomes interesting to outsiders when lawyers unearth documentation of the worst people on Earth being their truest selves. Which bring us to Elon Musk, whose face looks like a mask of itself and who, just this week, declared that actually, he wanted to buy Twitter after all, at a small discount that Twitter has already rejected.
That’s one of any number of hiccups that could kill that deal, including an ongoing lawsuit filed by Twitter against Musk to force him to buy the company after he initially rescinded an offer that he wasn’t allowed to rescind. And while that lawsuit will probably die on the vine as Twitter and Musk hash out a marriage of inconvenience, it DID turn up a bevy of text messages between Musk and his friends/associates that reads like a cocktail party from hell.
Because I love you readers and hate myself, I have read all of these texts, which occupy 32 pages of Exhibit H in the discovery proceedings. These exchanges all occurred prior to Musk’s initial bid for Twitter, and I have left their myriad typos intact below, for posterity (although curses have been censored). As a whole, they provide a near-lethal overdose of smarm, self-importance, rich people talking to each other in elevator pitch form, right-wing grandiosity, ominous plans for a social network that’s already proven to be both miserable and inessential, and outright stupidity. If you’re the type of extremely online person who takes sadistic pleasure in parsing these words (full legal text here), allow me to dive right in on your behalf. Joe Rogan does make an appearance, as destiny foretold. And so does Gayle King, which is a much bigger upset but not an unwelcome one.
Let’s get started with Musk’s thoughts on Russian media: “EU passed a law banning Russia Today and several other Russian news sources. We have been told to block their IP address. … Actually, I find their news quite entertaining … Lot of bulls—t but some good points too”.
You might think it’s responsible of the European Union to black out a propaganda outlet fronted by the tyrannical regime of an impoverished nation currently toying with the idea of global thermonuclear war. But think about the good things they lose from RT. After all, I myself was once interviewed by William Shatner for his RT show, called “I Don’t Understand.” Priceless content.
Musk was musing about RT’s better qualities to private equity guy Antonio Gracias, who responded thusly: “This is f—king nuts… you are totally right. I 100% agree with you. … We should allow it precisely bc we hate it… that is the ping of the American constitution.”
Framing reasonable actions to curb hate speech and state-sanctioned misinformation as INSANE is a hallmark of fake libertarian discourse, but at least now you know that these people also talk like a movie trailer when they’re alone with one another as well. In fact, the texts are almost more revealing for how other people react to Musk than for Musk’s all-too-familiar inanity, the latter of which is on full display in his reaction to Gracias.
“Exactly … Free speech matters most when it’s someone you hate spouting what you think is bulls—t.”
By God, was Gracias ever into that call to action.
“I am 100% with you Elon. To the f—king mattresses no matter what….. this is a principle we need to f—king defend with our lives or we are lost to the darkness. … Sorry for the swearing. I am getting excited.”
Elon hearted this, thus finding Antonio in the darkness. Awwwww.
But thankfully (pun not only intended, but hotly anticipated), Gracias was hardly the only contact to tell Elon GO ON WIT YO BADSELF. Meet Talulah Riley, Musk’s ex-wife and the kind of aggrieved white lady who comes straight out of the Kelly Loeffler Signature Collection:
“Can you buy Twitter and then delete it, please!? xx … America is going INSANE. … The Babylon Bee got suspension is crazy … Why has everyone become so puritanical? … Or can you buy Twitter and make it radically free-speech? … So much stupidity comes from Twitter xx”
Why does she sign off almost every text with kisses? Do Grimes and daughter Aeon Flux know about this? They should, because Elon kissed his ex BACK in the reply: “Maybe buy it and change it to properly support free speech xx”
